You Might Be A Cop If......

You have the bladder capacity of five people.

You have difficulty differentiating between counsel and client.

You have learned a lot about paranoia, simply by following random cars around in a patrol car.

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

You believe that 75% of people are a waste of protoplasm.

Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.

You call for a criminal check of anyone who seems friendly to you.

Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you.

You identify a negative "teeth to tattoo" ratio just by looking at a person.

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance.

You believe that a "shallow gene pool" should be grounds for an arrest.

You believe that the Government should require a permit to reproduce.

You believe unspeakable evils will fall upon you if someone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet here tonight."

Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track.

You believe chocolate is a food group.

You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled, "Suicide: Get it Right the First Time!"

You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid verdict.

You have ever had to put the complainant on hold so you could laugh uncontrollably.

You believe a certain dispatcher is possessed by a demon.

Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.

You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

You have heard the sergeant muttering down the hall, "Who's in charge of this mess?"

Your prisoner states, "I don't know how it got there!"

It occurs to you suddenly that one night you are policing the Twilight Zone.

When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to food.

You believe that the holding cell should come with a Valium saltlick.

You believe anyone who says, "I only had two or three beers" will blow over .15%.

You are told to deliver a human jaw in a jar and you find yourself talking to it there on the seat beside you.

You believe it's not a good death unless it involves overtime.

You are the only person introduced at a social gathering by his profession.

You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you, Bill!"

You do not see daylight from November to May.

You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.

You refer to your nightstick as a "Dork Slayer".

People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and think it's original and funny.

When someone calls you a prick, you take it as a compliment.

You have wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to a particular bar.

You have heard "I have no idea how that got there" on more that a few occasions.

You correlate "two beers" with .15% BAC.

You believe in involuntary sterilization.

You believe office meetings are always called at the end of your shift.