Fragile

Can males be fragile and still be considered 'a man'? We're taught and see examples of how un-manly it is to be or feel emotional. I feel fragile.

I found out yesterday via someone at the social security administration that my biological father has recently passed away somewhere near Asheville, NC. I hadn’t seen him since 1982. I suspect he died of smoking related ailments. I phoned my mother to tell her and she began freaking out accusing me of lying to her. Her dementia really kicked in. SO I don't blame her. I’m waiting until after this weekend to let my biological brother know. He’s just outta jail less than a month and starting a new job and all this week. I figure I'll tell him Monday, after Christmas. My uncle’s wife called me yesterday to talk to Social Security so my biological mother could receive “survivor’s benefits”. I haven't seen or spoken to her in over 20 years. Last week I spoke to my uncle (on my mom's side) for the first time in 12 years.


Though my biological father's basically been ‘dead’ to me for years, I always had this notion of catching up with him and talking to him. The loss of something I haven’t had in about 30 or 40 years is surprising to me. Even more surprising is the pain and sorrow I feel. I haven’t felt these feelings since I was 6 or so. With him dead now and my biological mother in full dementia, with no other family members to turn to, there’s a ton of unresolved stuff I’ll never begin to understand or find answers to.

There are plenty of kind words, warm thoughts, bible verses, and wise phrases and words to find comfort in I suppose. Personally, I feel so conflicted and divided inside. I feel relief, anger, sadness, lost, regret, violent, confused, heartbroken, emotional, alone – and fragile. Pretty much the usual someone would feel I guess. Still, why do I feel this for someone who basically abandoned me as a very small child and who was last involved in my life 30 years ago? Cue the bible verses and wise, comforting thoughts about God and all the comfort “giving it to Him” will provide I suppose.

I really shouldn't get into this anymore - especially in a public venue like the freaking internet. I swear, I have no idea how much more of this “bad” stuff I can take. I’m embarrassed to be writing this. My wife has enough family/personal crap she’s going through as well. I know I can’t, but I wish I could go back in time and change some things. We did exchange meaningful hugs regarding this new news. I instantly forgot all my pain when my wife began crying for me. I immediately turned into comforter for her. I can't help it, really. I'm no better than anyone and the reaction to her (or anyone else in pain or trouble) was like a reflex. I know that's probably some sort of psychological defect- either that or I'm a complete wuss..

The real issue is that what happens next is up to me. I can choose to try to overcome this as I used to do so well but have seemingly failed to do so recently --- or let this and the recent news/events defeat me and waller in self pity. Which may be what I'm doing now. No matter how much I’ve failed in the past to “right the ship”, I feel I have no choice but to try to overcome this too. Still, when new and unexpected feelings, emotions, and grief hit, it’s pretty hard. It’s even harder when the things I used to find comfort in no longer comfort me or assure me and I know they should. Heck, I know most of the bible by heart and I’ve spent hours comforting other people, so I know the vernacular. I can make people laugh. I know what to tell people; what verses to quote. I know how to ‘sell it’. I don’t mean to take away from the importance and significance of good sayings, words and phrases of comfort, bible verses, etc. Sometimes it’s hard for me to take the medicine I dish out to others during troubled times.
I have to get through the next 3 days here at work with all this emotional crap and conflict within- which isn't easy for ANYONE I know, but my job is kind of unique AND these people are the friendly to your face cutthroat type- not to mention it's CHRISTMAS.

I know, I know things could get MUCH worse for me and still with this and the seemingly impending financial ruin ahead, I remain luckier than most. I am thankful for what I got and I should be.... heck, YOU know the spiel....

Just some too personal thoughts and way too personal observations. A part of me want sot do something horribly predictable like post on facebook "Goodbye dad, I'll miss you". I am SO fortunate to have other 'dads' in my life. I've always thought I was lucky to have them. I care for them so very much. As I care for my friends and all my adoptive family more that they can or will ever know. There are not enough words to express that.

I do know that things happen for a reason and that we don't know why or what. It's a matter of trust and faith, I know.

May God continue to bless us all.