Fragile

Can males be fragile and still be considered 'a man'? We're taught and see examples of how un-manly it is to be or feel emotional. I feel fragile.

I found out yesterday via someone at the social security administration that my biological father has recently passed away somewhere near Asheville, NC. I hadn’t seen him since 1982. I suspect he died of smoking related ailments. I phoned my mother to tell her and she began freaking out accusing me of lying to her. Her dementia really kicked in. SO I don't blame her. I’m waiting until after this weekend to let my biological brother know. He’s just outta jail less than a month and starting a new job and all this week. I figure I'll tell him Monday, after Christmas. My uncle’s wife called me yesterday to talk to Social Security so my biological mother could receive “survivor’s benefits”. I haven't seen or spoken to her in over 20 years. Last week I spoke to my uncle (on my mom's side) for the first time in 12 years.


Though my biological father's basically been ‘dead’ to me for years, I always had this notion of catching up with him and talking to him. The loss of something I haven’t had in about 30 or 40 years is surprising to me. Even more surprising is the pain and sorrow I feel. I haven’t felt these feelings since I was 6 or so. With him dead now and my biological mother in full dementia, with no other family members to turn to, there’s a ton of unresolved stuff I’ll never begin to understand or find answers to.

There are plenty of kind words, warm thoughts, bible verses, and wise phrases and words to find comfort in I suppose. Personally, I feel so conflicted and divided inside. I feel relief, anger, sadness, lost, regret, violent, confused, heartbroken, emotional, alone – and fragile. Pretty much the usual someone would feel I guess. Still, why do I feel this for someone who basically abandoned me as a very small child and who was last involved in my life 30 years ago? Cue the bible verses and wise, comforting thoughts about God and all the comfort “giving it to Him” will provide I suppose.

I really shouldn't get into this anymore - especially in a public venue like the freaking internet. I swear, I have no idea how much more of this “bad” stuff I can take. I’m embarrassed to be writing this. My wife has enough family/personal crap she’s going through as well. I know I can’t, but I wish I could go back in time and change some things. We did exchange meaningful hugs regarding this new news. I instantly forgot all my pain when my wife began crying for me. I immediately turned into comforter for her. I can't help it, really. I'm no better than anyone and the reaction to her (or anyone else in pain or trouble) was like a reflex. I know that's probably some sort of psychological defect- either that or I'm a complete wuss..

The real issue is that what happens next is up to me. I can choose to try to overcome this as I used to do so well but have seemingly failed to do so recently --- or let this and the recent news/events defeat me and waller in self pity. Which may be what I'm doing now. No matter how much I’ve failed in the past to “right the ship”, I feel I have no choice but to try to overcome this too. Still, when new and unexpected feelings, emotions, and grief hit, it’s pretty hard. It’s even harder when the things I used to find comfort in no longer comfort me or assure me and I know they should. Heck, I know most of the bible by heart and I’ve spent hours comforting other people, so I know the vernacular. I can make people laugh. I know what to tell people; what verses to quote. I know how to ‘sell it’. I don’t mean to take away from the importance and significance of good sayings, words and phrases of comfort, bible verses, etc. Sometimes it’s hard for me to take the medicine I dish out to others during troubled times.
I have to get through the next 3 days here at work with all this emotional crap and conflict within- which isn't easy for ANYONE I know, but my job is kind of unique AND these people are the friendly to your face cutthroat type- not to mention it's CHRISTMAS.

I know, I know things could get MUCH worse for me and still with this and the seemingly impending financial ruin ahead, I remain luckier than most. I am thankful for what I got and I should be.... heck, YOU know the spiel....

Just some too personal thoughts and way too personal observations. A part of me want sot do something horribly predictable like post on facebook "Goodbye dad, I'll miss you". I am SO fortunate to have other 'dads' in my life. I've always thought I was lucky to have them. I care for them so very much. As I care for my friends and all my adoptive family more that they can or will ever know. There are not enough words to express that.

I do know that things happen for a reason and that we don't know why or what. It's a matter of trust and faith, I know.

May God continue to bless us all.

So This Is Christmas......

It’s Friday morning here at work. Thought I’d drop a quick line to say “Hey” and to officially state I am fine.

Have had some life altering instances happen recently- nothing bad or as cool as having a kid, but very interesting
nonetheless.

Me and Jaye Deane are all ready for Christmas. The two dogs are excited about their stockings.

Only 2 more weekends until we celebrate the birth of Jesus and/a visit from ol St Nick. Though it seems like
a very long time until Dec 25th comes. Of COURSE I’m working Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the big
gift return event; the day after Christmas. All in all, I am very fortunate to be employed when so many aren’t.

May everyone have a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, the ultimate Chanukah (Hanukkah), awesome Festivus,
Happy Kwanzaa, glorious Boxing Day, Winter Solstice, or a happy NON observance of ANY holiday.

I care for you all more than you'll know

HAPPY MONDAY!! 10 toys that likely won't be on holiday wish lists.....

from http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40257937/ns/business-consumer_news/

 


The TSA action figures may get up close and personal with travelers.
By Tom Barlow

'Tis the season when toys come front-and-center in our consciousness. In the drive to produce thousands of new toys each year, the industry occasionally missteps, producing toys that anger rather than amuse the buying audience.

Here are ten toys that reached the market over the past few years that probably never should have seen the light of day.

Oh, you mean like the cookie? Oreo Barbie 

More than one toy disaster can be chalked up to cross-marketing, when two products are marketed together. Mattel stepped in it in 1997 while cross-marketing with Nabisco. "Oreo Fun Barbie" was produced to market the cookie, and the doll was garbed in Oreo-labeled clothes with a dandy Oreo-shaped purse. Unfortunately, the doll was produced in two versions, one with a white Barbie, the other with a black one. As the Urban Dictionary explains, Oreo is "an insulting term often used by blacks to derogate other blacks as 'Black on the outside, white on the inside.'" The dolls were widely reviled and quickly withdrawn from the market.


Terrorist figurine
Chalk another one up to our nation's fear of terrorists. BrickArms is a toy manufacturer that makes weapons and figurines compatible with the LEGO universe. One of its warrior dolls, Bandit, (since discontinued) was designed wearing a head scarf, carrying an AK-47, a rocket strapped to his back, and a string of bombs hanging on his chest. Some parents immediately saw an Al Qaeda fighter and protested loudly. No word on Homeland Security's take on this, but the creator, Will Chapman, has not yet ended up in a cage in Guantanamo.


Make sure you talk to it while its mouth is open.  Play-Doh Drill 'n Fill Playset


Want to see your child's face fill with delight? Just tell them it's time to go to the dentist. Not. Despite the most advanced painkillers and attention diverters, the dentist's office is still way, way down the list of children's favorite hangouts, so one has to wonder what possessed Play-Doh to bring to market a kit that allowed kids to play dentist? The kit comes complete with a mouth full of teeth that can be drilled and filled (with Play-Doh, of course). The kit doesn't appear to include a toy hypodermic, so these procedures must be carried out without novocaine. What fun!

Harry Potter and the Vibrating Broom
It's time for Harry Potter fever again, and with it expect a bevy of new toys. None, we can only hope, will be as poorly thought out as the discontinued vibrating Nimbus 2000. This flying broom, the same brand as that ridden during Quidditch matches by Harry himself, looked like the real thing, but, to the discomfort of parents, was built to vibrate as the child rode it. The vibrations "down there" led to many a cheap joke and the ire of parents who didn't want to draw their child's attention to that part of the body any sooner than necessary.


Staring strangers in public places not included. Breast-Feeding Doll

There are a lot of strong arguments in favor of breast feeding, but not every parent would find playing at breast feeding an appropriate activity for his or her youngster. Nonetheless, the Spanish company Berjuan has brought just such a toy to market: the Bebé Glotón. The doll comes complete with a nippled vest that the child can don in order to provide sustenance to the baby. The nipples, in the form of open flowers, even make a sucking sound.



Airport Security Play Set

It would take a child with vast imagination to find any fun whatsoever in the process that adults look forward to like they do a sigmoidoscopy: the airport security checkpoint. This is even more true now that the hand-pats include even the most indelicate parts of the body. Encouraging a child to play as a professional groper seems like a very bad idea.


Mommy's Boob Job
Books always make a fun gift for a child, and many do a fine job of combining entertainment and education. In 2008, however, a plastic surgeon in Florida crossed the line with his book "My Beautiful Mommy." Why? Because the book was written to help explain mom's plastic surgery to children four to seven years of age.
The picture book explains all about mom's new boobs, resculptured nose and liposuctioned tush. What's the lesson here? I can just hear the child saying, "I can't wait until I can pay to have someone make me pretty!"


Just give her the real thing and cut down on housework. My Cleaning Trolley

Sexual stereotyping, once central to the design of American toys, is much less evident today, but here's an example of how it can still appear and set the teeth on edge of the distaff parent. Last year's My Cleaning Trolley set was pink, equipped with a variety of brooms, clothes, sprayer and even a tiny toilet plunger — perfect for those aspiring to minimum-wage night jobs. The capper? On the box, prominently displayed, the words "Girls Only."


Homeless Girl
Mattel's American Girl dolls are more than figurines made of plastic; they are high-price-tag dolls complete with (pricey) wardrobes and, more importantly, comprehensive back stories. One of the dolls, introduced last year, was Gwen Thompson. Her story? She had, until recently, been living with her mom in the family car. Her dad had run out on on Gwen and her mom, and they were subsequently evicted from their home.  The plight of homeless children is sad and real. However, is the life of children, little bundles of insecurity already, made better by playing with a doll that represents their worst fears?


"Crazy For You" Teddy Bear
Over the past 100 years, our society has evolved to the point that it's no longer thought appropriate to make fun of the insane; most of the time, anyway. And we certainly don't want to plant that idea in the minds of our youngsters. Imagine then, the reception by those dealing with mental illness when The Vermont Teddy Bear Company put out a new doll for Valentine's Day in 2005, the "Crazy for You" bear. The bear wore a straight-jacket, begging the question, What would he do with those paws if he were loose?  Like some of the other products in this list, the Crazy For You Bear is a sought-after collectible, listed for $550 on eBay at the time of this writing.

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REVENGE OF THE HOLIDAY PENGUINS!!

Good day! Stayed up WAY too late watching Craig Ferguson’s ‘Doctor Who’ themes show this morning. The ‘newest’ Dr Who, Tom Smith, made his American TV debut on the talk show. I’m not a fan of Dr Who and haven’t seen an entire episode since the 80’s, but I do like pretty much every and anything Craig Ferguson does. Still like TBS’s ‘Conan’. It is what it is.


So for the next couple of weeks, it’s gonna be “Black Friday” for many stores. Is this just one of those things that we’ll have to get along with? Many of the stores have their super duper low price sales events last weekend through his week, and pretty much into next week before the actual “Black Friday”. I can predict NOW how the media stories, soon following the Friday after Thanksgiving; will be declaring this year’s “Black Friday” sales the lowest in a while or ever. I guess this makes sense to no one else but me.

Another royal wedding is expected to take place next year. Wonder how many stories will be published about the weeding being called off or “steamy” pics of Kate Middleton?

South Carolina’s preterm birthrate fell from 15.5 percent in 2007 to 14.3 percent in 2008. The March of Dimes has set a preterm birthrate goal of 7.6 percent. South Carolina is one of 14 states that received an ‘F’ according to the March of Dimes 2010 Premature Birth Report Card released today.

Saw the trailer for MTV’s LOOSE remake of “Teen Wolf”. This doesn’t look that bad to me really, however, this movie looks to be way short of the Canadian made ‘over-the-top’ and obviously camp version Michael J Fox appeared in in the 80’s.

Green Lantern trailer looks decent; didn’t knock my shoes off. Ryan Reynolds seems a little “flighty” for Hal Jordan to me. I swear, if he’s too funny in this, they might have well cast Will Ferrell in the role.

Some of my friends are beaming about the entire ‘Beatles’ catalogue now available on iTunes. Though on some songs, I’m not a big fan of the re-mastering. It seems some of the bass is too emphasized compared to the way I first heard them and the CD/FLAC versions before the re-doing. Everyone else is probably cool about it.

Bill Nye the science guy fainted during a speech at the ‘other’ USC on the left coast last night. He was taken away before the end of his speech to seek medical help. His current status is unknown at this time.

Well, this happens on many of these weight loss reality shows, but rarely makes headlines. Here’s another one that’s deep in the hoopla. One of the contestants for ABC's new weight-loss reality show had to be taken into medical custody after suffering from dangerous dehydration levels. The 25 year-old woman was reportedly taking diet pills, though ABC denies that the medication that caused her severe dehydration was in any way related to her attempts at weight loss.

Having been a part of the media, it really, really pains me to point THIS out. But all of the recent media headlining, glaring fury over the new TSA procedures at airports is really over-the-top and all about the knee-jerk reaction to something that affects less than 7% of the U.S... Many polls indicate that the percentage of people who aren’t bothered by the “new rules” concerning this brouhaha is around 80%. Most Americans overwhelmingly support those full body scanners. So what’s the deal about the right wingers on talk radio and the evening news shows? My point is that if you listen to talk radio or look at the news outlets, you’d think this is bigger than our economy and healthcare. In trying to point this out, let me add that I personally believe the new rules and procedures are ridiculous. The byproduct of such nonsense? You get video like a 3 year old being patted down and people relating their woes as a result of their own acts of civil disobedience. Listen, police or anybody in authority is capable of terrible injustice and abuse. When these things occur, they must be dealt with swiftly. In my opinion, stop this well meaning ‘crap’ and look for those who usually commit or attempt to commit these types of crimes. Profiling is vital in this area of airline crime deterrents. Then, when white Timothy McVeigh looking terrorists begin blowing things up or flying planes into buildings, then we profile that way.

What say you?

A Little Diddy ...........

So while preparing something to slow cook for dinner tonight, my wife informs me that the handle on our crockpot has broken off (my fault) leaving a metal stub showing. I suggest she uses a damp washcloth or pliers to turn the knob. She tells me "OK" and hangs up. I later call her back after a small amount of time had passed when she tells me she's got the appliance working. I asked her if she used the damp washcloth or the pliers. She responds, "No, I used the hammer".......

For a split second, I was puzzled and bewildered. My mind raced trying to picture how she used the hammer to resolve the issue. A hammer is what I used for most situations ranging from stopped pipes or frozen food or naught pomeranians or whatever. I wondered how she would "bang out" a solution on something like a crockpot..  

She somehow KNEW I was perplexed. Not wanting to keep me in suspense, she then told me "I used the tiny hammer you got me, you know, the claw part"......

I was both relieved and disappointed..

I guess you had to be there...

Happy Tuesday



from http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/39993685/ns/health-womens_health/ -- Interesting article that kind of made me mad and is an insult to Afican Americans everywhere.


The article states that according to new government statistics, today, seventy-two percent of black babies are born to unmarried mothers. The author of the article, AP’s Jesse Washington, goes on to state in the article:

Statistics show just what that fullness means. Children of unmarried mothers of any race are more likely to perform poorly in school, go to prison, use drugs, be poor as adults, and have their own children out of wedlock. There are simple arguments for why so many black women have children without marriage.

The legacy of segregation, the logic goes, means blacks are more likely to attend inferior schools. This creates a high proportion of blacks unprepared to compete for jobs in today's economy, where middle-class industrial work for unskilled laborers has largely disappeared. The drug epidemic sent disproportionate numbers of black men to prison, and crushed the job opportunities for those who served their time. Women don't want to marry men who can't provide for their families, and welfare laws created a financial incentive for poor mothers to stay single. If you remove these inequalities, some say, the 72 percent will decrease.

WTF?!?!?! How does segregation affect ANYBODY nowadays? So are we to believe that once again, evil whitey, once again, rears his ugly, rich, white head.

You know, it’s my opinion that white men in the past 25 years, have become the NEW “N” word. Add religious and heterosexual to the description and this poor individual who belongs in this group becomes more of a target for vile and disgust. It’s OK to treat whites as evil, to racially discriminated against, to verbally and in some instances physically abuse, tell them to step to the back of the bus (according to MY president, Barrack Obama in reference to Republicans –all of whom which are NOT white) because of the injustices to minorities in the past. It’s acceptable to racially profile white people; to make white jokes and not to provide equal judgment or opportunity to whites because they are white.

Racial crimes of the past here in the US are reprehensible and God knows, I wish I could go back and change things. I remember growing up in foster homes with blacks. I remember getting beat up because of associating with my black friends by both whites and blacks. I recall the stigma of not only being in “a home”, but growing up with Blacks and Hispanics.

I remember going to Columbia, SC when I was 11 to accept an award for writing a poem about Martin Luther King’s “I Have A Dream” speech for an annual state writing competition named “Maggie’s Drawers”. I remember the applause I got when I was announced and how the applause quickly faded and the rumble of unintelligible conversation in the crowd when this pale fat kid stood up to acknowledge the award.

Things like the above sticks with a person. It’s widely acknowledged that political correctness has run amok. Yet, like the turnstile election and re-election of the same old ‘same old’ in Washington, it’s shrugged off and not dealt with. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. We have someone leading our country who is considered by most as “black”. We have specific laws and organizations for people who are not considered Caucasian or “white”. Corporations and businesses, schools, government operated entities hire people because they are not known as being “white” or “male”. Charities and the government provide money and other assistance to people because they are of a certain skin color that is not white or who are not considered Caucasian or male.

I had a situation here at work and without warning and unrelated at all to the situation, I had “the race card” played and brought up. Totally caught me off guard.

There’s no way I can understand the plight or the past crimes against a people because of the color of their skin (or sex). But try walking in a (flawed) christian, heterosexual male’s shoes the past 25 years. It’s like something from a nightmare constantly reading,, hearing, seeing in TV, movies, songs, having general media and hate gr about how evil I am because I’m white and as I got older the hassle of (trying to be) a Christian and heterosexual.

Happy Monday! - Microwave Baby Murderer's Sentence Overturned!

Go HERE to read the whole story --

CINCINNATI (AP) — A state appeals court on Friday reversed a woman's murder conviction in her baby daughter's burning death in a microwave oven.


The 2nd District Ohio Court of Appeals made the ruling in the case of China Arnold, sentenced in 2008 to life in prison without parole for the death of her month-old daughter.

Montgomery County prosecutors were "astonished" at the reversal and will file a motion asking the court to reconsider its decision, spokesman Greg Flannagan said. Prosecutors also had the options of dismissing the case, retrying Arnold or appealing to the Ohio Supreme Court.


Arnold, who remains charged with her conviction reversed, is expected to be transferred within a week or two to the Montgomery County jail, where she would be held pending a bail hearing, her attorney said.


For those of you who usually email or tell me “well, we were/are not in their shoes, we don’t know her situation or how bad she had it”, I say BS. This isn’t one of those situations or incidents.This isn't where someone was wrongly accused , sentenced, and served 30 years for a crime only to have one of the appeals find them guilty through inaccurate DNA or testimony or such.  Much like my opinion on Susan Smith, this woman doesn’t deserve to breath any more. I, as many other people probably do, wonder WHAT these judges think. There’s certain cases where you DO re examine them to make sure justice is properly administered. This is a travesty of justice and a waste of time. Of course, our forefathers didn’t understand the complexities of microwave baby murders when they wrote the basis for our legal system, did they? I suppose we must ignore the obvious to make sure the obscure was followed.

What say you?